a year after we first met

a single white rose. a sign i asked from God to help me get out of confusion.

i was exhausted when i took the last step up in our church's bell tower. he was there, waiting for me with white roses. my heart skipped a beat, stopped for a while, then pumped so fast i could barely catch my breath. i found myself slack-jawed, feeling numb but shaking. was that it or was that a mere coincidence?

but why three? i asked only one! "because you deserve three"...i was blank when he said that. i asked for this sign and i definitely have faith in God. so if this is really it...then maybe genie must now grant her master's wish.


"when hope is crushed, the heart is crushed, but a wish come true fills you with joy."
-proverbs 13:12

may

tonight's a different night. i stood near the glass wall staring blankly at the blessed sacrament. i thought of saying something to daddy God but i couldn't come up with any single word except "hi". the silence was making me deaf until he mumbled something from behind me. " Lord, this is the girl that i love so much and You know how much i love her...". tears welled up my eyes as he went on.

with me was a man who's just so sincerely sweet. but is he really for me daddy God?

after the fire

it's funny how things became so complicated. i was just a friend, much like he was to me. but things change. everything started with a joke and this time, ironically, i can't joke around anymore. i thought i was extraordinary 'coz i usually try things out even how dangerous it could get. but now here i am, so helpless...i couldn't even make a single choice, take a step and be brave enough to decide.

love is a decision, once done, is something you stand up for and fight for--no matter what. but the mind cannot decide what the heart should feel. i could'nt even justify the things i take as "major considerations" and give reason to my upgraded self-torture. maybe i'm just so cynical-so stupid that i couldn't even keep up with my own insanity. i'd like to wait for my time to come up with something i'm sure i'm confident of and make up my mind because definitely, forever isn't mine. i know i'm smart and dumb at the same time and maybe i'm not so wise when it comes to matters of the heart, but i don't recall knowing that there are hard and fast rules when it comes to loving. if there are, then i could learn the rules...then break some. well, they say " the heart is the seat of intelligence". at least i could hold on to that in case i'd get wrong.