i'm dead...
-from the not-so-simple birthday wish i swore to grant but haven't had any action yet because of his probable refusal
-from the kinda absurd but sweet little promise to give him a million hugs before we see heaven (a promise he made for me to comply)
-from the undeniable fact that, when it comes to him, i just can't seem to follow the "hakuna matata" worry-free philosophy
-from the obviously clear observation that we've grown more closer after my pathetic decision to not love him anymore
-from the seemingly indirect honesty that's just starting to unravel
-from the wishful thinking that i'm holding on to a hand that would not also want to let me go
-from the unbearable realization that i, with all determination to get things to come to a dead end, wanna change back my mind...
Monday, March 14, 2005
Sunday, March 13, 2005
march 1
FINALLY...the ever sweet, all-loving me has come to my senses. i may not have done the dirtiest deed but i surely did the stupidest thing there is in my entire topsy-turvy years of existence. i've grown i love with a used-to-be basically inaccessible guy who may seem mature but is still a kid. he might have told some friends things he never told me. maybe he really does love me too but rather keeps it unrevealed because, certainly, it's the right and best thing to do. doing the right thing does not necessarily mean you like doing it. no doubt that it's pretty hard (sigh!). well, life's made of tough choices, isn't it? more often than not, i can't seem to make a choice. i dont know what to do and perhaps i don't have to do anything since there's actually nothing more i can do about it. my mistake is just that, a mistake. this can't be done overnight but i have to correct it, i was wrong because i love him. but I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
vday!
a damsel in distress always has a knight in shining armor ready to her rescue-with swords, shield, horses and all. indeed when mine came, prince charming was out of the story. yet sad enough, my knight does not intend to stay.
i've always believed in fairy tales. who knows? maybe happily ever after's really do exist.
maybe...just maybe.
i've always believed in fairy tales. who knows? maybe happily ever after's really do exist.
maybe...just maybe.
the month of hearts
sing with me...
how can things go wrong when you're here with me?
all the time and space would stop
they'd stop for you and me
how can we go wrong?
we're like words within a song
perfect rhyme and perfect time and perfect harmony
now, our words have lost their way
and all they seem to say
you don't intend to stay with me
tell me why? when we have come this far
we're happy as we are
but now
how can i feel right when you're not by my side?
strange that i'm here all alone
as i recall the happy times, the happy songs, the perfect rhyme
how can i go on
how can i move
how can i without you...
how can things go wrong when you're here with me?
all the time and space would stop
they'd stop for you and me
how can we go wrong?
we're like words within a song
perfect rhyme and perfect time and perfect harmony
now, our words have lost their way
and all they seem to say
you don't intend to stay with me
tell me why? when we have come this far
we're happy as we are
but now
how can i feel right when you're not by my side?
strange that i'm here all alone
as i recall the happy times, the happy songs, the perfect rhyme
how can i go on
how can i move
how can i without you...
meeting-cfc center
perhaps only few knows there's something behind my smiles and my usual giggles...no one needs to know i now hardly find a reason to smile.
but who says i'll stop eating ice cream?
but who says i'll stop eating ice cream?
still january
at last i've been to the city again. i just wanted to steer clear of the worst things my dad had instilled into my mind. how can he be so rude? i'm losing hope that he'll spare me but a little of the love i've been dying to have. one day, someone's got to pour it all to me.
we've at long last met after we ended the silly-kinda relationship. i felt the need to voice out the heartaches my dad caused me. i tried to look cheerful as he approached me but inside i felt odd. the smile that used to brighten my day in a wink of an eye now weakens my knees. i hoped he acted differently because he was sick. but i can't help but think otherwise. everything's not the same as it was. he seemed distant. maybe his magic words weren't real after all. or maybe it was just part of the pretendings we made. silly old me i believed! i felt like he was rejecting me like daddy did. i'm starting to falter...i don't even know where to find enough strength to get up. i wanted so much to cry but i held back the tears blurrying the vision of the face that brought me so much happiness. i know i'm transparent as glass but i was confident he doesn't have any idea my pain is because of him too. i guess i just have to let him go. after all, he wasn't really mine.
we've at long last met after we ended the silly-kinda relationship. i felt the need to voice out the heartaches my dad caused me. i tried to look cheerful as he approached me but inside i felt odd. the smile that used to brighten my day in a wink of an eye now weakens my knees. i hoped he acted differently because he was sick. but i can't help but think otherwise. everything's not the same as it was. he seemed distant. maybe his magic words weren't real after all. or maybe it was just part of the pretendings we made. silly old me i believed! i felt like he was rejecting me like daddy did. i'm starting to falter...i don't even know where to find enough strength to get up. i wanted so much to cry but i held back the tears blurrying the vision of the face that brought me so much happiness. i know i'm transparent as glass but i was confident he doesn't have any idea my pain is because of him too. i guess i just have to let him go. after all, he wasn't really mine.
january 12
i'm still not with myself today. i should have watched a movie but i'm pretty much sure i can never get him out of my head just like that. i wake up late so there isn't much time to think about him, i play puzzle bobble the whole day, and i keep my phone out of reach. i haven't even gone to the city since the deadline. not the usual stuff i do.
i went to mass with a friend. he noticed my being silent-over the phone this morning, in the church during the mass, at my place when he dropped by, and outside our gate when he was just about to leave. i knew i didn't look ok because being silent is not being me. he hugged me and assured me i'll be fine 'coz he's there. but all i could say was "i'm sorry". i could no longer hold back the tears. i couldn't anymore hide that i was hurting inside. i looked at him and saw in his eyes how he was hurting too. i saw the pain i brought him when i said i was sorry because all that i could think was how it felt when i was wrapped inside the arms of the man i've been with at the tower, the man i never imagined i'd fall. yet he stayed with me eventhough he knows my mind was not with him. he had lost me once for choosing to be with what he called " wrong girl" and now that he has finally made himself free, he could no longer possibly have me.
i'm alone inside my boat now. islands already surround me. some of which are familiar, some i used to call home. but now that all i have to do is choose among them, i refuse to come close. instead, i looked around and searched for the one who rowed the boat for me. he's there, a little afar. now i have two choices-to follow him or to just choose an island to dock.
i went to mass with a friend. he noticed my being silent-over the phone this morning, in the church during the mass, at my place when he dropped by, and outside our gate when he was just about to leave. i knew i didn't look ok because being silent is not being me. he hugged me and assured me i'll be fine 'coz he's there. but all i could say was "i'm sorry". i could no longer hold back the tears. i couldn't anymore hide that i was hurting inside. i looked at him and saw in his eyes how he was hurting too. i saw the pain i brought him when i said i was sorry because all that i could think was how it felt when i was wrapped inside the arms of the man i've been with at the tower, the man i never imagined i'd fall. yet he stayed with me eventhough he knows my mind was not with him. he had lost me once for choosing to be with what he called " wrong girl" and now that he has finally made himself free, he could no longer possibly have me.
i'm alone inside my boat now. islands already surround me. some of which are familiar, some i used to call home. but now that all i have to do is choose among them, i refuse to come close. instead, i looked around and searched for the one who rowed the boat for me. he's there, a little afar. now i have two choices-to follow him or to just choose an island to dock.
Friday, March 11, 2005
january
my mind's wandering way back on the the 31st of december 2004, the morning after the party. he was the very first person i saw when i got down from the attic of the rest house where the group stayed. there he was, seated on the bench, eyes closed and his face slighty covered with his palm. i sat beside him and smiled. that day was our last day together and we were actually in the same place where we first met. i still remembered how he asked for my name during the pray-over. he woke up and turned to me...i was confident i looked strong. but things went out of control. how could i let my emotions take hold? everything else was fake but my feelings. now here i am, slouching in my bed, alone and feeling frail. damn...i got it bad! = (
happy new year!
he ended up partying with the band few days ago. i tried to look natural. like i wasn't hiding the loneliness that was starting to occupy me. i noticed that he was watching me closely as i gulp every beer on my plastic cup. yeah, that was way too much for me but i was just in the mood to get drunk. 2004's closing and we were closing the deal too. i should be happy 'coz we made it. my ex finally has the "cruella de ville" of my life as his girl. great job, it worked!
i was darn wasted during the party. i was a bit nasty i guess. all i knew was that i was drinking for "us", the word we just lost a while ago. i never cared if i was too much of a bother to him. i just wanted to witness for the last time how he takes care of me as the "girlfriend". i'm never good with goodbyes but i didn't realize it would hurt this much since the split-up is planned and expected. i'm hurting as if it's real.
he called to greet. he told me i made his life more meaningful for the past year and said the magic words. i should be happy right? right. like i should be thankful because he's making me miss him more. but this is really it. it's over and done. well, it's not as if we're not gonna see each other anymore. i know he'd still be around. it's just that...i'm not that strong when i see him smile.
i was darn wasted during the party. i was a bit nasty i guess. all i knew was that i was drinking for "us", the word we just lost a while ago. i never cared if i was too much of a bother to him. i just wanted to witness for the last time how he takes care of me as the "girlfriend". i'm never good with goodbyes but i didn't realize it would hurt this much since the split-up is planned and expected. i'm hurting as if it's real.
he called to greet. he told me i made his life more meaningful for the past year and said the magic words. i should be happy right? right. like i should be thankful because he's making me miss him more. but this is really it. it's over and done. well, it's not as if we're not gonna see each other anymore. i know he'd still be around. it's just that...i'm not that strong when i see him smile.
right after Christmas
i am underslept. few minutes from now and i'll be dozing off to sleep smiling. i least expected things would turn out that way. we just wanted to do what we promised ourselves for Christmas. it was just one of our crazy ideas to do something different. and i'm glad we really did.
we were in an old watchtower near the coast, enjoying the beautiful sight and maybe just having fun.but everything's still fresh in my mind-the long winding walk down to the coast, how "bumblebee"chased us when we passed by, the way we fooled around, the smile he gave me everytime i hit or pinch him (as usual!), the piggy-backride, the way we laughed when i thought an opening of the tower was the last thing we never went into (but was actually the same opening where we came in from), the confused look on his face when i played as fortuneteller and shuffled my cards, the game of tong-its in the cottage, how we watched the sunset ( and never felt sick), the sweet dance we had though we were both tipsy, the way he shouted my name when i told him to do so, the songs he sang when i asked him to sing while i sleep for awhile, how cute it seemed when i kissed him on the forehead and he didn't think it was a real kiss, the way it felt when he wrapped me inside his arms, the way he kept me warm when i was freezing, the funny noises our tummies made for not eating dinner and for staying near the shore without wearing sweaters, how we broke into the guardhouse and slept, how sweet it was to just sit beside each other all night long, how the sun rose on our face, the exhausted look we gave each other when we took a different route just to pass by the stairway leading to the same road, how we stayed quite in the waiting shed, and the time we took different buses and parted ways.
it was indeed fun...and perfect. i bet even real-life sweethearts haven't had one like ours. it was really something different i'll never forget. that could maybe be the last time we would see each other before we end, but i'm already more than happy something so wonderful happened, may it be just another mere pretending or not. it's enough for me to display my pearly whites.
we were in an old watchtower near the coast, enjoying the beautiful sight and maybe just having fun.but everything's still fresh in my mind-the long winding walk down to the coast, how "bumblebee"chased us when we passed by, the way we fooled around, the smile he gave me everytime i hit or pinch him (as usual!), the piggy-backride, the way we laughed when i thought an opening of the tower was the last thing we never went into (but was actually the same opening where we came in from), the confused look on his face when i played as fortuneteller and shuffled my cards, the game of tong-its in the cottage, how we watched the sunset ( and never felt sick), the sweet dance we had though we were both tipsy, the way he shouted my name when i told him to do so, the songs he sang when i asked him to sing while i sleep for awhile, how cute it seemed when i kissed him on the forehead and he didn't think it was a real kiss, the way it felt when he wrapped me inside his arms, the way he kept me warm when i was freezing, the funny noises our tummies made for not eating dinner and for staying near the shore without wearing sweaters, how we broke into the guardhouse and slept, how sweet it was to just sit beside each other all night long, how the sun rose on our face, the exhausted look we gave each other when we took a different route just to pass by the stairway leading to the same road, how we stayed quite in the waiting shed, and the time we took different buses and parted ways.
it was indeed fun...and perfect. i bet even real-life sweethearts haven't had one like ours. it was really something different i'll never forget. that could maybe be the last time we would see each other before we end, but i'm already more than happy something so wonderful happened, may it be just another mere pretending or not. it's enough for me to display my pearly whites.
our fifth month
time surely flies. i've just realized we're already on the fifth month of the relationship. maybe i really enjoyed flying along with time that i didn't even recognized how time passed by just like that.
yea, it's been five months-and ending. seven days more and the contract is off. i don't exactly know how i should feel. i'm happy yet sad. happy that finally it's done and i would no longer be bothering him, yet sad because i will really, really miss him. actually, i'm missing him already. i know we're still gonna see each other around but i have this awkward feeling that things would not be the same after we call it "quits".
i already gave him my Christmas present yesterday. i bought it because i remembered him the moment i saw it. i remembered how i wished he'd be with me in every tick the clock would make. it's funny 'coz he doesn't know what it really meant. he's not even aware that it meant something, anyway. well, maybe some things are better left this way. but wishes do come true right?
yea, it's been five months-and ending. seven days more and the contract is off. i don't exactly know how i should feel. i'm happy yet sad. happy that finally it's done and i would no longer be bothering him, yet sad because i will really, really miss him. actually, i'm missing him already. i know we're still gonna see each other around but i have this awkward feeling that things would not be the same after we call it "quits".
i already gave him my Christmas present yesterday. i bought it because i remembered him the moment i saw it. i remembered how i wished he'd be with me in every tick the clock would make. it's funny 'coz he doesn't know what it really meant. he's not even aware that it meant something, anyway. well, maybe some things are better left this way. but wishes do come true right?
first simbang gabi
i just came out from the church when a green van stopped in front of me. a window opened as i heard a guy say "hi". my heart was pounding fast as if i just finished a hundred meter dash race. i suddenly didn't feel the dawn's cold breeze freezing me earlier. he's finally here.
my lips were sore from smiling, pretending that i was just as happy about him finally being home as my other friends. people stare and watch every reaction i'd make as they tell me "he's here". yeah right-as if i don't know. what's the big deal anyway? everyone rejoiced about the news-even my folks, and siblings , and whoever else they were. seemed like the whole town's busy for his homecoming party. what would they expect? me leading a band, twirling a baton or me hiding behind their front door and throwing confetti the moment he comes in? huh!in their dreams! every tick of the clock meant more and more peeps asking me questions for what seemed like forever. blah...blah...blah...i should have held a press conference for this.(sigh!) mutual friends suddenly have a little get together chit-chat (with him) in my house and invited me to a pool party over the weekend ( with him again). they're obviously setting me up. how sweet! = ( now i could give them my oh-my-God-i'm-so-happy look and roll my eyes.
how i wish mr. boyfriend was there when he arrived. when everyone was happy except me. i wish that he's here with me now and in every single tick of the clock today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after next, and the next day after next...giving me comfort...showing me he cares...loving me for real.
my lips were sore from smiling, pretending that i was just as happy about him finally being home as my other friends. people stare and watch every reaction i'd make as they tell me "he's here". yeah right-as if i don't know. what's the big deal anyway? everyone rejoiced about the news-even my folks, and siblings , and whoever else they were. seemed like the whole town's busy for his homecoming party. what would they expect? me leading a band, twirling a baton or me hiding behind their front door and throwing confetti the moment he comes in? huh!in their dreams! every tick of the clock meant more and more peeps asking me questions for what seemed like forever. blah...blah...blah...i should have held a press conference for this.(sigh!) mutual friends suddenly have a little get together chit-chat (with him) in my house and invited me to a pool party over the weekend ( with him again). they're obviously setting me up. how sweet! = ( now i could give them my oh-my-God-i'm-so-happy look and roll my eyes.
how i wish mr. boyfriend was there when he arrived. when everyone was happy except me. i wish that he's here with me now and in every single tick of the clock today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after next, and the next day after next...giving me comfort...showing me he cares...loving me for real.
still december
i'm sure now...i've fallen deep. deep enough to ponder about my rationality. i always knew the right thing to do when it comes to matters like this. but now, i find myself going the other way. although i may act normal in front of him, i'm confused inside...mind and heart battling about him. i find it weird. sometimes awkward.
lately, i've been insanely sweet. just imagine the mere fact that i pretty much acted like a total jerk the time when something happened to him. i was over-concerned. i worried too much to a point that i sounded like an idiot. but i didn't anymore mind if he was thinking that i was. i just couldn't keep myself from showing him just how much i really care. i never thought ignoring such nonsense would be this hard. yeah, really hard that i just couldn't do it. what a waste!
lately, i've been insanely sweet. just imagine the mere fact that i pretty much acted like a total jerk the time when something happened to him. i was over-concerned. i worried too much to a point that i sounded like an idiot. but i didn't anymore mind if he was thinking that i was. i just couldn't keep myself from showing him just how much i really care. i never thought ignoring such nonsense would be this hard. yeah, really hard that i just couldn't do it. what a waste!
december
why do i have to end up with this feeling? for quite sometime i remained unaware of it until yesterday when i realized that i need him so badly in the long run. okay, i know i shouldn't be feeling this way because it's totally nuts. i mustn't fall inside my own trap and don't know how to get out of it. but now i fear i'm already inside it, i've crossed the line and broke my own rules. but who can blame me? for all the times that we showed them the "us" that we never really were...he was more than i asked for, more than i expected him to be. i need not mention every single thing he had done but i wish he'd know that those were moments i'd never forget. though not real, he has given me one very wonderful relationship that i'm sure i'd never trade with anything else. if only i could take the ultimate chill pill and automatically think that this is just one of those i-get-fidgety-i'd-just-punch-my-one-liner-so-i'd-get-unnoticed-if-i-stammer thing. but no! this is beyond infatuation, not just any premature feeling and i hate myself for feeling such! i shouldn't be falling for him because in the first place we're just pretending-pretending for reasons i don't wanna recall. but that is why i fell for him. it's because he was always there all along when my tragic past keeps on haunting me. he surely is a great guy and i've realized just yesterday how happy i have been with someone who never cease to make me smile despite it all. how can i not fall? so before it's too late, while it's not yet so hard for me, please tell me what to do. do i still get to stay or must i shoo myself away? i'm already used to have him around. i'm not quite sure if i can afford to let him go when our deadline comes.
youth camp-cahayag
a falling star fell right before our very eyes. and yes! we made our wishes. we saw it. just me and him.
could he possibly be right when he said it meant something?
could he possibly be right when he said it meant something?
sometime in october
when life got a little stormy, i found myself rowing my boat to uncertainty, somewhere i am most afraid and scared of. i paddled with fear but all i could do besides crying...was still crying. just when all else failed, he came and shared the boat with me.
i wondered how he made the ride seem like i was just inside a cradle sleeping soundly like a baby. i didn't anymore mind the angry waves that rocked the boat, or how many rough tides i faced 'coz he was sailing with me. now i'm still stucked inside the boat with him and i would no longer even care if we're headed to nowhere and not see a single island to dock. the ocean just doesn't have any idea how great it is to feel safe in his arms.i don't know when he will leave but if it's the only way to make him stay...then let it storm forever.
i wondered how he made the ride seem like i was just inside a cradle sleeping soundly like a baby. i didn't anymore mind the angry waves that rocked the boat, or how many rough tides i faced 'coz he was sailing with me. now i'm still stucked inside the boat with him and i would no longer even care if we're headed to nowhere and not see a single island to dock. the ocean just doesn't have any idea how great it is to feel safe in his arms.i don't know when he will leave but if it's the only way to make him stay...then let it storm forever.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
mid august
guess you wouldn't believe but a knight in shining blue jeans came to my rescue. this is not another romantic fairy tale. there's nothing romantic about this actually. sorry for the word but i'd rather call it a disaster. whew! why do i always get stucked into situations like this? no matter what i do, troubles keep running after me. no matter how i try to resist, they get on my way. talk about bad luck!
few days ago, i met an old suitor who asked me about my lovelife. i know i've been lying about me having a boyfriend since june. that was my last resort-no choice. if u ask me what it takes to have a hard-headed ex who tightens his grip on you even more when you push him with all your might a million times, i'd say "grrr...". it's definitely a total headache. little did i know that things would complicate. i just wanted enough reason for him to back-off.
it just started with this certain guy jokingly offering himself if i couldn't find a boyfriend 'til october, the month my ex would come home. never did it cross my mind to be in a relationship just because. what for? so everything would turn out to be worser than the one i had before? i don't want a boyfriend. i need a boyfriend. i remembered about the offer and reconsidered it. all was well with the sort-of-but-not-quite relationship until other people got involved. i'm not sure if they just wanted some extra curricular participaton or just wanted to make my life more miserable. well, i never really liked the idea of me and him playing as girlfriend and boyfriend but i must face the fact that i have to show to my ex a boyfriend i was boasting when time comes. someone's got to be there-and i'm glad he was. without him things would be different. i just couldn't even imagine myself alone in the battle field. so if you ask me what it takes to have a knight in shining blue jeans around, i'd say " =) ".
few days ago, i met an old suitor who asked me about my lovelife. i know i've been lying about me having a boyfriend since june. that was my last resort-no choice. if u ask me what it takes to have a hard-headed ex who tightens his grip on you even more when you push him with all your might a million times, i'd say "grrr...". it's definitely a total headache. little did i know that things would complicate. i just wanted enough reason for him to back-off.
it just started with this certain guy jokingly offering himself if i couldn't find a boyfriend 'til october, the month my ex would come home. never did it cross my mind to be in a relationship just because. what for? so everything would turn out to be worser than the one i had before? i don't want a boyfriend. i need a boyfriend. i remembered about the offer and reconsidered it. all was well with the sort-of-but-not-quite relationship until other people got involved. i'm not sure if they just wanted some extra curricular participaton or just wanted to make my life more miserable. well, i never really liked the idea of me and him playing as girlfriend and boyfriend but i must face the fact that i have to show to my ex a boyfriend i was boasting when time comes. someone's got to be there-and i'm glad he was. without him things would be different. i just couldn't even imagine myself alone in the battle field. so if you ask me what it takes to have a knight in shining blue jeans around, i'd say " =) ".
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