december

why do i have to end up with this feeling? for quite sometime i remained unaware of it until yesterday when i realized that i need him so badly in the long run. okay, i know i shouldn't be feeling this way because it's totally nuts. i mustn't fall inside my own trap and don't know how to get out of it. but now i fear i'm already inside it, i've crossed the line and broke my own rules. but who can blame me? for all the times that we showed them the "us" that we never really were...he was more than i asked for, more than i expected him to be. i need not mention every single thing he had done but i wish he'd know that those were moments i'd never forget. though not real, he has given me one very wonderful relationship that i'm sure i'd never trade with anything else. if only i could take the ultimate chill pill and automatically think that this is just one of those i-get-fidgety-i'd-just-punch-my-one-liner-so-i'd-get-unnoticed-if-i-stammer thing. but no! this is beyond infatuation, not just any premature feeling and i hate myself for feeling such! i shouldn't be falling for him because in the first place we're just pretending-pretending for reasons i don't wanna recall. but that is why i fell for him. it's because he was always there all along when my tragic past keeps on haunting me. he surely is a great guy and i've realized just yesterday how happy i have been with someone who never cease to make me smile despite it all. how can i not fall? so before it's too late, while it's not yet so hard for me, please tell me what to do. do i still get to stay or must i shoo myself away? i'm already used to have him around. i'm not quite sure if i can afford to let him go when our deadline comes.